What's in a Heart
by bucktooth22
Summary: A letter to Dean from Castiel, based on the conversation between Dean and Rev. Roy Le Grange. Dean wants to know why the Reverend healed him, and the response is because he is still useful, rather than because he is deserving.


Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural

Author's Note: I started re-watching from the beginning, and a scene in season 1 episode 12 stuck in my head as being really sad.

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I've watched you for a long time Dean. I saw you being born, I saw you carry your brother out of the fire. I watched your father mistreat, neglect, hurt you. I wanted to help, I did all I could without interfering. I chased the nightmares away on the worst nights, and I put happy memories in the best dreams. Your father was harsh with you, and harsher the more Sam defied him. You were never the prodigal son, you were the obedient soldier. You shielded Sam from the brunt of that, and you cried when Sam left. After you did so much, after you endured so much, for him. John buried you so you would know how to dig yourself out. He left you there, and you walked six miles to get back to the motel, only to find Sam eating cereal and watching TV. He shoved you in a suitcase, a trunk, a dog crate, all in the guise of bettering you. And Sam never stopped it, never stood up for you, but the moment John tried any of this 'training' on Sam you stepped in, you took more, you bore his burden and your own. It made you hard, it made you a brainwashed soldier, ready to clip your heels together and salute to your commanding officer. You were five when you started calling him Sir, 'daddy' died on your tongue when he whipped your butt raw for crying about a monster in your closet. And so, you stopped thinking of yourself, you weren't worth anything more than protecting Sammy. You were a shield, a weapon, a soldier, no longer a boy, an innocent, a son. You didn't deserve anything, you were just a tool, a means to an end, you were a sacrifice waiting for death.

I watched you let Sam go, and I watched your heart break when he returned. You wanted a better life for him, you always had, but he came back for you, and you hated yourself for being happy. Happy you weren't alone, happy someone cared, happy Sam was there.

You sent Sam out of the house, you always did, always Sam's safety, never your own. You hurt yourself, the electric shock caused a heart attack, suddenly your heart was as broken as it felt. You laughed and all the worries began melting away. You were free from all burdens, you fulfilled your duty, you protected Sam, and if that's what killed you, you could die in peace. Sam, did not see it that way, and rushed you to a 'faith' healer. I saw what was happening, I could not help, I was prepared to greet you at last, my wait would be over, and we could stand face to face. But then a blind man touched you, and the reaper stole your tragic end away, forcing it on someone else. You were no longer free, and all that self doubt, all the pain, your years of heartbreak, they were real again, and you knew it was wrong, but you were glad to be alive. You hated yourself for it, but you felt such encouragement. That faith healer picked you because you _were_ worth more than you'd been told. You sought him out, you had to know, why had he picked you from the crowd? You wanted to be told you deserved it, but he smiled at you.

"I looked into your heart and you just stood out from all the rest."

"What did you see in my heart?" You asked, hoping against hope. You'd heard what you craved, you were different, you were special. You were more than just a tool, but then he dashed those hopes.

"A young man with an important purpose. A job to do and it isn't finished." And with that you felt yourself slip back into what you'd always been told, you felt yourself dissolve into the shield, the gun, the vessel to get Sam to wherever he needed. One day Dean, I hope you will see yourself how I see you, one day I hope to tell you all that you are, and how much more there is than just what you think. Yes, you are a shield, but you shield the wold from darkness. Yes you are a protector, but you protect the innocent from evil. You are not, however, a soldier, you are just a boy wanting to be told he is loved. Not for his use, not for his purpose or his abilities, but for your smile. For your valiance. For your loyalty. For your laugh, your sense of humor, your wit. I could list a million things and just be scratching the surface of all that you are because the being that exists behind those big green eyes, it is complex and contradictory, and so loved. You are more than the sum of your parts, you are more than what you have been told to be. But for now, I will have to let you live your life, you are still growing, developing, you are still becoming the man I will one day express my love to.

Sleep well, dream of me, ever yours, Castiel.


End file.
